The learning curve...

There are things people struggle with in any relationship. Trust, affection, committment and sex have always been challenges for me in the past. But the one thing that remains by far the most difficult for me in this kind of arrangement is something that, in my vanilla life, I've always found surprisingly simple - communication.

In any other part of my life, I feel completely free to express whatever is on my mind. I might be reserved, but give me something to express and I am completely comfortable approaching someone on level ground and, as an equal, stating frankly, openly, and respectfully exactly what I need to. But there is no equal footing here.

Master expects honesty from me at all times, and I try my best to give that to him. I try to answer anything he asks without flinching from the truth (and that is not always easy), and I make an effort to be transparent about everything going on in my life that he may find relevant (that doesn't mean I pick and choose, it means I leave out pointless details like going down the shop for milk). But what I really find hard is when honesty means saying something less than completely positive - like the (thankfully rare) occaision of having to bring up a problem of some kind, or finding myself needing to ask for something important to me. How do I say something that contains a negative, or any kind of "I want", while still showing absolute respect, humility, deference, and not in any way implying that he must do anything other than his own choosing?

Its fucking hard! lol I find myself delaying it, hoping for telepathy, and struggling with the urge to drop hints - which is terrible behaviour in my opinion, it may not be lying, but sending a deliberate message without saying what I really mean is dishonest. I need to be open with him to really show the respect he deserves. When I finally do that, I spend a long time agonising over wording and usually make several false attempts before finally settling on something that seems like it might be the most appropriate way... and then wait anxiously for a response....

This skill is definitely a work in progress for me. Part of the reason this is so hard is that these kinds of statements come with so many demanding feelings- like frustration, or confusion, or hurt, or any other feeling that seems to say "you should...." These feelings are probably unavoidable for me to have at this point, but I need to get their influence out of my message, to remove the "you should" that has no place in my communication with Sir. So at the moment, what seems to help is to try and identify what I'm trying to say for what it really is, without these feelings attached... I'm not sure this is the answer, but I guess I'll see how long it works for, and if it doesn't seem right, I'll have to revise....

The other thing that comes to mind is his response when I told him once how hard I find it to speak to him about these things: "Exactly as it should be." That doesn't mean I can't say whats on my mind, but it does indicate that it shouldn't be easy. Its important for me to think hard and choose carefully how I do it. It will probably take a long time for me to feel sure about what is the right statement to make.

For all that, I still feel there is something I'm missing in this, some lesson I have yet to learn...