The beholder
I'm going to tell you a story that begins with two young girls, around 8 years old. One would later come to be known as nadi, we will call the other one Juanita. They met at school and quickly became "best friends". Juanita and nadi went everywhere together. They were very close. Had the girls been a few years older, their parents may have wondered if they were too close, but instead they felt pleased that Juanita, shy and from a non-english-speaking background, had made a friend. And nadi was a very loyal friend, who would do anything for her, because nadi liked it that Juanita would often hold her hand. She liked it that after a while, Juanita began kissing her mouth, intially as a greeting, later just because she wanted to. Most of all nadi liked sleepovers at Juanita's house, where they would share her bed and sleep in each other's arms. But after a year together, Juanita's family decided to move away from the city. The girls promised each other they would write, and for a while they did, but gradually less frequently, and then not at all.
Cut to 11 years later, and nadi, aged 19, is sitting waiting for her first psych lecture for the year to begin. She looks up and stops breathing at the sight of the most beautiful girl she has ever laid eyes on walking into the lecture room. Literally stops breathing. She can't think, only stare with her mouth open and her heart pounding. The other two hundred or so people in the lecture suddenly disappear, and nadi can hear nothing but her blood rushing through her head, and see nothing but the girl's perfect tanned skin, thick black hair, wide brown almond eyes and soft, slightly-smiling lips. Throughout the lecture nadi barely hears a thing, uncomfortable and breathing heavily as her eyes keep trailing back to a human being so perfect, that nadi can hardly understand how the whole room isn't staring at her. After the lecture, the perfect-girl is in nadi's tutorial class. The roll is called to check that everyone is there. As their names are called, nadi and Juanita finally recognise each other.
This happened around the time when I was only just beginning to accept that I really did like girls as much as guys, just as I'd been afraid of during my teenage years. The intense attraction I felt to the rediscovered Juanita was the confirmation I needed that it wasn't ever going to go away - I am bisexual and would have to learn to live with (and eventually love) that. Unfortunately my lust for her remained frustrated - I learned, in class discussion, that Juanita was now engaged and held very conservative values about love and sex. And as if this wasn't enough, I felt so overcome with Juanita that I was barely able to speak to her. I would struggle to breathe, become very shy, forget words, and generally become a complete idiot in her presence. Every attempt to speak to Juanita was a painful humiliation, and I spent the whole year alternately avoiding, and then obsessively drawn to her. Finally, our lives took us in different directions once again.
Not that surpising, then, that among the multitude of women I am attracted to, there is a certain type that leaves me so struck with awe that I just can't bear it. Generally I am sexually confident, and comfortable approaching someone. But if its a good looking girl with tanned skin, brown eyes and long dark hair, I lose it - too close to my perfect woman for me to feel secure. I have never been able to bring myself close enough to one of my Perfect Juanita-Girls to have the chance to touch them. Speaking to them is sometimes a possibility, but even then, shyness takes me. Managing to hold a conversation with a PJ-G without making a fool of myself is cause for self-congratulation. Any more than that happens only in my dreams and fantasies.
Imagine my desire, then, when last night at a party, our PJ-G hostess happened to be kneeling directly in front of me, while her partner and Master did things that left her semi-conscious with ecstasy. I watched her roll her head back, her eyes closed, and her face a picture of pure blissful submission. Imagine my increasing craving to just reach out and touch her, kiss her, hold her, worship her... And then imagine my longing suddenly become twice as intense as her Master exposed one of her breasts, and directed another sub girl to suck on the nipple. I became hot and tense with jealousy and felt I was going to collapse with desire. My own Master, of course, was well aware of my reaction, and called me on it with his usual blunt accuracy that makes me feel hot and ashamed.
Imagine next, my horror as Master instructs me to kneel in front of PJ-Gs Master and tell him directly what I felt. I tried for a second to tell myself he wasn't serious, he wasn't really going to make me do this. But he was completely serious. He guided me to the spot on the floor, and I felt even more afraid as I realised PJ-Gs M had noticed I was expected to say something to him, and was looking at me, waiting. I hesitated, took a deep breath and looked down. I started to speak quietly, then cut off mid sentence as I realised that PJ-G herself was also sitting there, listening, and staring at me with a soft smile. Even more humiliated, I slowly managed to voice each word, unable to look her or him in the eye. When I was finally finished and looked up, PJ-Gs M looked amused. He suggested I sit in front of her, which I did, shaking. She came forward towards me, and reached out, taking my hand. Her skin was even more soft and perfectly smooth than in my dreams. She encouraged me, and I touched her face, hair, neck, and what I could bring myself to of her body. I told her she was so beautiful. I gathered the courage to ask her if I could kiss her, and she said yes. The result was an almost perfectly still, gentle press of her lips against mine, unable to believe it was happening, immobolised in awe.
The humiliation continued, with the two Masters continuing to taunt me through the night, and I think I overheard PJ-Gs M saying he had known since I first met them. But as much as I felt hot shame at having such secret, "forbidden" desires exposed in a room full of people and to PJ-G herself, I was also lighter, at peace, having touched her, and now knowing that she would not reject me. My greatest and most difficult humiliation so far has been an unexpected, amazing gift.
Cut to 11 years later, and nadi, aged 19, is sitting waiting for her first psych lecture for the year to begin. She looks up and stops breathing at the sight of the most beautiful girl she has ever laid eyes on walking into the lecture room. Literally stops breathing. She can't think, only stare with her mouth open and her heart pounding. The other two hundred or so people in the lecture suddenly disappear, and nadi can hear nothing but her blood rushing through her head, and see nothing but the girl's perfect tanned skin, thick black hair, wide brown almond eyes and soft, slightly-smiling lips. Throughout the lecture nadi barely hears a thing, uncomfortable and breathing heavily as her eyes keep trailing back to a human being so perfect, that nadi can hardly understand how the whole room isn't staring at her. After the lecture, the perfect-girl is in nadi's tutorial class. The roll is called to check that everyone is there. As their names are called, nadi and Juanita finally recognise each other.
This happened around the time when I was only just beginning to accept that I really did like girls as much as guys, just as I'd been afraid of during my teenage years. The intense attraction I felt to the rediscovered Juanita was the confirmation I needed that it wasn't ever going to go away - I am bisexual and would have to learn to live with (and eventually love) that. Unfortunately my lust for her remained frustrated - I learned, in class discussion, that Juanita was now engaged and held very conservative values about love and sex. And as if this wasn't enough, I felt so overcome with Juanita that I was barely able to speak to her. I would struggle to breathe, become very shy, forget words, and generally become a complete idiot in her presence. Every attempt to speak to Juanita was a painful humiliation, and I spent the whole year alternately avoiding, and then obsessively drawn to her. Finally, our lives took us in different directions once again.
Not that surpising, then, that among the multitude of women I am attracted to, there is a certain type that leaves me so struck with awe that I just can't bear it. Generally I am sexually confident, and comfortable approaching someone. But if its a good looking girl with tanned skin, brown eyes and long dark hair, I lose it - too close to my perfect woman for me to feel secure. I have never been able to bring myself close enough to one of my Perfect Juanita-Girls to have the chance to touch them. Speaking to them is sometimes a possibility, but even then, shyness takes me. Managing to hold a conversation with a PJ-G without making a fool of myself is cause for self-congratulation. Any more than that happens only in my dreams and fantasies.
Imagine my desire, then, when last night at a party, our PJ-G hostess happened to be kneeling directly in front of me, while her partner and Master did things that left her semi-conscious with ecstasy. I watched her roll her head back, her eyes closed, and her face a picture of pure blissful submission. Imagine my increasing craving to just reach out and touch her, kiss her, hold her, worship her... And then imagine my longing suddenly become twice as intense as her Master exposed one of her breasts, and directed another sub girl to suck on the nipple. I became hot and tense with jealousy and felt I was going to collapse with desire. My own Master, of course, was well aware of my reaction, and called me on it with his usual blunt accuracy that makes me feel hot and ashamed.
Imagine next, my horror as Master instructs me to kneel in front of PJ-Gs Master and tell him directly what I felt. I tried for a second to tell myself he wasn't serious, he wasn't really going to make me do this. But he was completely serious. He guided me to the spot on the floor, and I felt even more afraid as I realised PJ-Gs M had noticed I was expected to say something to him, and was looking at me, waiting. I hesitated, took a deep breath and looked down. I started to speak quietly, then cut off mid sentence as I realised that PJ-G herself was also sitting there, listening, and staring at me with a soft smile. Even more humiliated, I slowly managed to voice each word, unable to look her or him in the eye. When I was finally finished and looked up, PJ-Gs M looked amused. He suggested I sit in front of her, which I did, shaking. She came forward towards me, and reached out, taking my hand. Her skin was even more soft and perfectly smooth than in my dreams. She encouraged me, and I touched her face, hair, neck, and what I could bring myself to of her body. I told her she was so beautiful. I gathered the courage to ask her if I could kiss her, and she said yes. The result was an almost perfectly still, gentle press of her lips against mine, unable to believe it was happening, immobolised in awe.
The humiliation continued, with the two Masters continuing to taunt me through the night, and I think I overheard PJ-Gs M saying he had known since I first met them. But as much as I felt hot shame at having such secret, "forbidden" desires exposed in a room full of people and to PJ-G herself, I was also lighter, at peace, having touched her, and now knowing that she would not reject me. My greatest and most difficult humiliation so far has been an unexpected, amazing gift.
Other results of last night's party...
But I've written enough...
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