Contained

I feel another one of those shifts today, where I am somehow more his than I was the day before. Funny, that feeling only ever comes in the morning, the day after whatever events occurred to push me even further under his control. I am never aware that its happening at the time, only after I've slept, and wake with that sense of enslavement that makes me want to sigh and murmur "Sir" to myself all day. I sincerely hope that no matter how fully subject to his authority I ever become, that feeling still comes to me from time to time...

At first I wasn't sure what had bought this on today, but after thinking on it I believe its a combination of circumstances. Part of it was our conversation last night - imagining living with him on his hypothetical farm, what he called his heaven, and the honour of hearing that possession of me would be part of that dream... him complimenting my performance, and the joy it makes me feel to know I have pleased him... the intense humiliation of him referring to me as "great breeding stock". Another part of it was for the first time, admitting to a third person that I love him.

Mostly, though, I believe it is the act of writing this blog that has helped me make another shift. In a way it is giving me a means of giving him more of myself than I otherwise could, by exposing my most personal thoughts without direction. I have always been a very private person - my vanilla friends would say they had known me for years before they ever really knew any of what goes through my mind. So this is very significant for me. He owns my mind, and now that I write this he owns my secret thoughts, and can do with them what he chooses.

It feels intense - a kind of nervous excitement, ecstatic joy, and a peaceful, cosy confinement, like being bound tight in metres of soft rope with my arms behind me and my mouth taped shut..... or for vanilla minds, like a firm embrace ;)