The green-eyed sub

Being a very typical scorpio, I have the unfortunate challenge in life of being the overly jealous type. Not easy for a sub who loves group sex and prefers the poly life, but in general, I think I've done well to learn to deal with it. While once I would get hysterical over the smallest things, now I have strategies. Step one is to grab the impulse to freak out before it takes me, and control myself, breathe. Step two is to be honest with myself: I am being jealous here, its not about anything horrible or nasty anyone else has done to me, its my feeling and my problem, and only I can change it. Then finally I find some reassurance, some memory to remind the insecure part of me that feels jealous that there really is nothing to worry about, the object of my jealousy is not a threat.

Most of the time, this works pretty well for me. For example, an invite is issued to join a (very sexy) woman at her gangbang party. My inner green-eyed-monster rises up at the thought of being there at her party - and she is so much sexier than me, according to the monster. Quick, stop that impulse. Reality check: I'm feeling jealous because I want to be the centre of attention. Reassurance: I am a very sexual person, and I will get attention of my own - its not a competition... I have my own parties to enjoy, let her have hers... and finally, I don't need to be the number one woman there for every man in the room, I only need to be important to one of them: my Master. And if I behave well and continue to please him, she is no threat to that. The monster vanishes, problem solved. Now I can just look forward to the fun. Easy.

But sometimes its not so easy. Sometimes the reality check doesn't stop me feeling hurt, even thought nobody has actually done anything negative to me at all. Sometimes the reassurance doesn't help. What to do then? Fish for compliments? Its hard to voice my feelings without worrying I will pressure him to accommodate my insecurities. I don't want him to change what he does. I want to accept it and feel safe, that I am his, that I will serve him in the way he chooses, that I am valued for that. I want that to be enough.