One crowded hour

"As long as you are the biggest slut in this city, you will always have a place with me."

There is no doubt in my mind that I am - for those reading this who know me, if you find that hard to believe, rest assured there are things that would surprise you yet. And I don't see myself having any trouble remaining that way in Master's terms - I spent many years and much energy trying to repress my most shameful thoughts, and if I haven't succeeded in changing yet, I never will.

That takes care of the first part of this sentence, now what of the rest of it? Always a place for me? Always? I want to trust my Master - and I should. But to believe in a statement like this feels so dangerous - I can't even let myself consider it. Its like a gift I don't want to open, out of fear that the contents will bite me - far safer just to admire the packaging from across the room.

Its not even as if I've got a traumatic story to tell that would explain it - no more than the average person goes through by age 30. I only have a pitiful justification to be so cynical, but I believe that rejection is inevitable. "Always" doesn't exist. Nothing is constant. It might not be soon, but one day, no matter what I do, he won't want me. It feels so wrong to discredit his statement like this, but I mean no disrespect. Rightly or wrongly, I believe this is universal.

This is what makes it painful to love him. Look at it like I do, and love has no power or great meaning, it's just an intoxicating precursor to loss. When I give him my love, I am giving my future pain and grief.

I no longer have a choice. And that doesn't even have anything to do with D/s and our agreed arrangement. He accepts me, and that is all the power he needs. He sees my darkest, most shameful parts, things that horrify even me, and he doesn't shy away from them. He accepts me more than I can accept myself, and that is enough so that I cannot walk away. I wonder, does he realise, when he reminds me that I am unable to leave, just how true that is - agreements and promises aside - because of my feelings alone?

Of course he does.