Being natural

The day I met Master, he could see my awful potential, and he asked if I had ever been abused. A common enough assumption - how else does a person learn to treat themselves this way? I told him the truth, that as far as I'm aware, I never have been. He said that he suspected I was simply a natural.

I still vividly remember, at age 15, lying on the beach on a warm night, surrounded by boys. Hands stroking my thighs, massaging my shoulders, creeping towards my chest... a mouth on my neck... intoxicated with alcohol, THC, and exploitation. Had I had the comfort then that I do now, I might have said, use me.... abuse me...

Last night Master was fucking me and sinking his teeth into my skin while I shuddered and asked for him to draw my blood. He smiled and said "you are extreme, aren't you, babe?" and I felt myself relax and open up even more to him, from the peace in knowing that, under him, "extreme" is an OK thing to be. He started slapping me, making the tears come, with that beautiful release of endorphins that sends me to another world of bliss... the high of my body's natural chemicals, the pain, and the freedom of what it means to ride with it, whatever he may do to me. Afterwards, he let me fall straight to sleep, and I sunk into a heavy ecstasy, thinking, I could just die from this feeling....

When I was 8 or so, I wrote a fantasy that began with a boy from my classroom touching me, accidentally at first, then progressing to forcing me down while he stripped off my clothes. It ended in a frenzied gang rape by about 20 boys - despite the fact that I had little understanding of how sex was done, I knew even then that I wanted it forced on me, that I wanted to be mistreated and used. To my great shame, my mother found the story and was understandably horrified. I thought it best to hide my fantasies from then on.

Master has taught me to let go of so much inhibition, and to be so free from shame. If an abused victim can spend years exploiting their own body, and then learn to let go and treat themselves with love and care, then why not the reverse? Why not a born slut who has become repressed and ashamed, learning to let go and love expressing who they always wanted to be?

The more the merrier 2

I once met a vanilla guy who had a fetish for gang bangs. Probably not unusual. What surprised me was his explanation of what appealed to him about one woman and multiple men. "It's a woman enjoying herself - it's all about her pleasure, and lots of it."

I was speechless, and then I laughed. I had never seen it that way before. For me, the appeal of a gang bang is completely opposed to that. Yes, its true that it is enjoyable. But not in the sense of being pampered or spoiled. I love to be gang banged because I love the degrading experience. I love to be groped and fucked from all directions so that I have no control over it, and lose all sense of myself until I am just a groaning, screaming slut - no thought, just pure carnal response. I love to hear people talking about me as an object: "someone else want a go at this end?".. "I think she needs something in her mouth" ... because my wants are irrelevent. Except as entertainment, when I am asked by Master to express them out loud so that everyone can hear what a debauched slut I am.

Last night I was used with my legs pulled apart by hand-held ropes, with so many fingers and cocks in me that I no longer knew what was being put where, with my hair being pulled and two cocks shoved in my mouth at a time, with a fist inside my pussy wanking Master as he fucked me, while I screamed in pain and asked for more. I was made to beg each person for permission to cum, and for someone to use my ass. Try telling me this scene was designed exclusively to make me happy. It did, because it wasn't.

For me, it's not about being pleasured, it's about being exploited. It's also about power, and the subtle threat implied by being thoroughly outnumbered - the knowledge that even if I wanted to stop, I would not have the opportunity. And it's about being dirty and slutty to the extreme, and not hesitating to show it fully... pleasing Master, knowing how much he likes to see me regress to that animal state.

I wonder if some men feel uneasy with that notion? Like my straight vanilla friend I mentioned earlier, maybe some feel more comfortable thinking they are being "extra nice". Maybe thats why at some point someone always says, "she loves it" - perhaps they are trying to comfort themselves?

Training

Master has never once told me to be patient. There is no need - he can simply make me wait, forcing me to learn. I've become quite used to "not knowing" and rarely asking - because asking certainly does not mean I will get an answer.

When its just a matter of gratification for the sake of it, this is not a problem. It is not his job to gratify me. But occasionally, external circumstances can make it really darn hard to do things without being sure of his plans - and that's when "not knowing" really bites.

I was impatient last night, waiting for an answer from him about whether I would be able to see him, and not sure whether to prepare to leave or stay. I'd been arguing with Betty, and she had been indecisive all day, so it felt like I really needed something I could be sure about. I think he could tell thats what I was asking for, and probably made me wait for that reason. But I started to get frustrated. I can tolerate waiting when its only a matter of my comfort, but sometimes, when there are other things that hinge on his answer, it starts to seem like more than inconvenience. I start to feel as though trying to demand an answer from him would be almost justified. I get irritable and think, why can't he just tell me now?

It takes work to pull myself out of this selfish circle. Eventually I calm myself and accept it. The answer to the 'why' is so simple it makes the question obsolete: He will answer me when he chooses to, and not a minute sooner. Having what I feel to be 'good reasons' to get an answer right away doesn't change that fact. I can't push him to do anything according to my schedule - he simply won't allow me to. And that is so very right.

I apologise for my impatience, Sir. And thank you for not accepting my inappropriate behaviour.