Dark shades

Shall I share a dark truth? Something that gives me a knot in my stomach and makes me uncomfortably lower my eyes?

I make it no secret here that I have violent fantasies. I beg Master to hurt me, and long for him to bruise my body, make me bleed. I dream of being attacked, raped, abused and humiliated. I used to console myself with the thought that if that ever happened, if I was violated without consent, I wouldn't really want it. But when I'm honest, I doubt that it is true. If someone tried to rape me, I think I would fight, not to save myself, but to protect Master's property. If it weren't for him, I believe I would - shamefully - submit and enjoy it.

Is that offensive? It is to me. I don't believe anyone should harm others unless they want it, and the idea of encouraging people who want to perpetrate violence horrifies me. But here I am, admitting that I want to be the subject of that violence. Not in the sense of the relatively common rape "fantasy" many women are said to have, but not actually want. No, I am convinced I genuinely want it. And it doesn't end there....

I love movies that show sexual violence. The kind where the plot requires being horrified at what the "villian" does to others, and wanting justice to prevail... I just want to see the nasty scene again. I want to see the woman get taken, hurt, abused. I want to be her, made helpless, screaming, powerless. I want more. Those scenes make me wet. Irreversible. 8mm. The General's Daughter. But that's just fiction....

The really dark bit, the part that makes me feel dirty in the wrong way, is that I have the same reaction to these acts when they occur in real life. I won't mention specific stories, although many come to mind, because there must be limits to what I can write here and get away with, lol. But when I hear in the media about acts of sexual violence that have really happened, especially locally, my body reacts. I become aroused. I don't mean to enjoy someone's suffering, but I find myself thinking, what would it be like to be them.... with someone doing those things... those degrading, humiliating things.... Yes, I know that they didn't enjoy it, that it was most likely a terrifying, traumatic experience. I'm not glad that they were harmed in such an awful way. But I can't help thinking, what if..... what if it was me.... if only it was....

Shameful, yes? Sick. Insensitive. Disgraceful. For Master, I'm sure it won't be at all surprising. He has known all my dark secrets since the day he met me. He read them in my eyes - the first person who was not afraid to see. Try feeling these things, thinking these awful things, being so ashamed, hiding from yourself, and then meeting someone who knows it all without it being said, and smiles. That person will own you. When someone accepts in you what you find unacceptable, you become more vulnerable than any judgement could ever make you. You cannot not love them.

Honesty

If I'm totally honest with myself, that whole last post was a load of BS.

Its all true, and relevant, but not the main thing bugging me at all.

The truth is, I'm just uncomfortable being so dependent on him. I'm looking for reasons why dependency is inappropriate, when really its just that I'm scared and I want an excuse to care a little less (as if thats an option).

My secret neediness has been showing, and it makes me fear driving him away. So I try and cover it up as quick as I can.

There. That was real.

The wisdom of dreams

Written 22 Decemeber, and blogged today due to being offline for a while.

I had a dream about a wedding – completely unplanned and not the couple’s decision. They had no time for preparations, and nothing appropriate to wear. In an effort to help, friends offered clothing and the couple put them on, but only felt awkward and phoney. Finally they removed the items they had been given, and stayed in their own casual, worn out clothes – not caring about silly ceremonies, the important thing was they were comfortable.

I need to remember what I’ve said to Sista, and others, more than once: a relationship should be defined only by the people in it. What I give to Master, and what he does with me, is for nobody else to judge. I can’t make it conform to other people’s ideas, or even fake it so it will appear that way. It is exactly as it should be - for us, not for friends or family or "scene people" who think they know whats right and wrong for everyone else, and not for silly housemates who are scared by it all.

Outed!

Its not important how it happened, but she said it was an accident. I've been living with Vanilla Betty for a few months now, and I knew I couldn't keep it a secret from her forever. She came across some private information, and confronted me: "I know you are submissive, and that he is your master!"

She was clearly disturbed, and rambled a little, trying to be open-minded but unable to hold back her real feelings: she was angry, scared, and didn't trust him. She couldn't understand why I would want this, and as my friend, she was worried for my safety.

In a way, I can understand where she was coming from. We operate on a whole other set of values and assumptions to the vanilla world - and certainly a challenging one to Betty's conservative religious upbringing, and her strong ideals of feminism, equality and social justice. Values that I share - so I can recognise how "twisted" (yes, she used the word twisted) and irrational it must seem that I could want to be treated this way. The first, and hardest question, she wanted answered was WHY?

How to explain it to someone who doesn't have it in them to understand this, without sounding psychologically ill? I tried my best to think of an analogy but couldn't. I told her it makes me happy, it feels liberating to give up control to another person. It gives me a sense of peace to offer someone so much trust.

Which brought up her next panicked question: but how do you know he can be trusted? I told her I have known Master for longer than she thinks, and that I didn't just hand over control in one moment, it has been a gradual progression, so that as we got to know each other better, I offered more to him, and he has consistently shown that he deserves that trust.

But how can you do that? I'm worried about you. I reminded her that she knows I am an intelligent person who makes responsible choices. I wouldn't do something like this frivolously. I told her it is not a new role for me - I have some experience and have learned a few things, and I am able to look after myself.

She told me she's never liked the way he always seemed "so dominating" of me in conversation. I told her I knew she was perceptive and wasn't surprised she had noticed. I told her that I liked it that he was this way, and so it shouldn't cause her offense - he is not doing anything harmful.

Its like when people say they don't mind gay people, but they don't like seeing them show affection in public - so really they do have a problem with it. That's how I feel. Good observation. So you can see that the uncomfortable feeling you have about it is a prejudice? (She didn't like that.)

Why do I have to be dragged into it? When he talks to me that way in front of you, he is not dragging you into our sex life. This goes beyond sex - its part of who we are. When he talks to me in a way that reminds me of his power over me, it is a way of expressing our relationship to one another - done subtly in conversation, because we can't be open about it in front of you.

What do you mean, part of who you are? I mean that its not just a game or a fetish - I am naturally submissive. I've always had the urge to give up control to someone in a relationship. I find it very fulfilling. And he finds it fulfilling to be in control.

How could somebody be like that - wanting to control other people? He doesn't go around controlling people. He's not a sociopath, or a manipulator. He controls people who want to be controlled.

I can't help it, the idea of you being with such a dominant personality upsets me. That's not all there is to him. He is not just dominant, he is also caring, sensitive, intelligent, respectful, fair, and very trustworthy. Don't stereotype him. I could see on her face that she knew I had a point.

Later, she expressed concern over my loyalty to her friendship: I have known you for ten years, and he just walks into your life and you put him first? I don't rank the people in my life. I don't think about anyone as more important than anyone else (with the exception of my son, who must be a priority to me). I have a different relationship to him to the one I have with you - and within that, I treat him with respect and give him power over me. That doesn't change my friendship with you.

She grew angry at me at the idea that I can't assert power over him. I can't believe you wouldn't stick up for me against him! I would talk to him honestly because I care about you. And that is more than you have the right to ask of me - you can and should stick up for youself. I can't and won't tell him what to do.

What happens if what he wants hurts someone else? That depends on how serious it is - there may be some kind of compromise possible. If I think something he wants of me will hurt someone in a way that is important enough, I can tell him how I feel. He treats my feelings and needs with respect. Its not just about him - he does care about other people.

What about treating your friends with respect? What about you, as my friend, treating me with respect by respecting my relationship and not asking me to compromise it?

Eventually, she conceded: Ok. I don't expect to be able to understand this. But I will put in some effort and try, if you give me time, to accept it. I said, that would mean a lot to me.

What a relief that I managed to answer her questions and comments without faltering! I remember a time when I would not have had the confidence and self-acceptance to be able to have this kind of conversation - a time when I, too, thought I must be "twisted" and felt a lot of shame about submission. I can't say I'm totally changed - but today I confirmed that I have come a long way.

subby suck-ups

Sometimes, I browse online discussions on D/s and just roll my eyes at some of the ridiculous-sounding submissives out there. These are the type that insist that everything in their world is always, 150% peachy-perfect. Every word they type reeks of effort to build a magical illusion where neither they nor (especially) their Dom can do wrong. If you believe them, their Dom is greater than a god, and the subs never put a foot wrong in the slightest, even in their thinking patterns. No insecurities in their minds, no questions, nothing but giddy, smiling idolisation.

Get real, people! You are people. Humans who are fallible, who fuck up, who have doubts and worries, who have "down" days. Why do you feel the need to convince others your world is so perfect?

I can understand some part of it: its probably a universal subbie trait to have a need to please. I can relate to the impulse to say the "right thing". And we all want to make our Master (or whatever the title...) look good - it shows respect, and does reflect a certain level of natural idealisation. But why take it to such extremes? Why not be honest, and admit your humanity?

The learning curve...

There are things people struggle with in any relationship. Trust, affection, committment and sex have always been challenges for me in the past. But the one thing that remains by far the most difficult for me in this kind of arrangement is something that, in my vanilla life, I've always found surprisingly simple - communication.

In any other part of my life, I feel completely free to express whatever is on my mind. I might be reserved, but give me something to express and I am completely comfortable approaching someone on level ground and, as an equal, stating frankly, openly, and respectfully exactly what I need to. But there is no equal footing here.

Master expects honesty from me at all times, and I try my best to give that to him. I try to answer anything he asks without flinching from the truth (and that is not always easy), and I make an effort to be transparent about everything going on in my life that he may find relevant (that doesn't mean I pick and choose, it means I leave out pointless details like going down the shop for milk). But what I really find hard is when honesty means saying something less than completely positive - like the (thankfully rare) occaision of having to bring up a problem of some kind, or finding myself needing to ask for something important to me. How do I say something that contains a negative, or any kind of "I want", while still showing absolute respect, humility, deference, and not in any way implying that he must do anything other than his own choosing?

Its fucking hard! lol I find myself delaying it, hoping for telepathy, and struggling with the urge to drop hints - which is terrible behaviour in my opinion, it may not be lying, but sending a deliberate message without saying what I really mean is dishonest. I need to be open with him to really show the respect he deserves. When I finally do that, I spend a long time agonising over wording and usually make several false attempts before finally settling on something that seems like it might be the most appropriate way... and then wait anxiously for a response....

This skill is definitely a work in progress for me. Part of the reason this is so hard is that these kinds of statements come with so many demanding feelings- like frustration, or confusion, or hurt, or any other feeling that seems to say "you should...." These feelings are probably unavoidable for me to have at this point, but I need to get their influence out of my message, to remove the "you should" that has no place in my communication with Sir. So at the moment, what seems to help is to try and identify what I'm trying to say for what it really is, without these feelings attached... I'm not sure this is the answer, but I guess I'll see how long it works for, and if it doesn't seem right, I'll have to revise....

The other thing that comes to mind is his response when I told him once how hard I find it to speak to him about these things: "Exactly as it should be." That doesn't mean I can't say whats on my mind, but it does indicate that it shouldn't be easy. Its important for me to think hard and choose carefully how I do it. It will probably take a long time for me to feel sure about what is the right statement to make.

For all that, I still feel there is something I'm missing in this, some lesson I have yet to learn...