Dark shades

Shall I share a dark truth? Something that gives me a knot in my stomach and makes me uncomfortably lower my eyes?

I make it no secret here that I have violent fantasies. I beg Master to hurt me, and long for him to bruise my body, make me bleed. I dream of being attacked, raped, abused and humiliated. I used to console myself with the thought that if that ever happened, if I was violated without consent, I wouldn't really want it. But when I'm honest, I doubt that it is true. If someone tried to rape me, I think I would fight, not to save myself, but to protect Master's property. If it weren't for him, I believe I would - shamefully - submit and enjoy it.

Is that offensive? It is to me. I don't believe anyone should harm others unless they want it, and the idea of encouraging people who want to perpetrate violence horrifies me. But here I am, admitting that I want to be the subject of that violence. Not in the sense of the relatively common rape "fantasy" many women are said to have, but not actually want. No, I am convinced I genuinely want it. And it doesn't end there....

I love movies that show sexual violence. The kind where the plot requires being horrified at what the "villian" does to others, and wanting justice to prevail... I just want to see the nasty scene again. I want to see the woman get taken, hurt, abused. I want to be her, made helpless, screaming, powerless. I want more. Those scenes make me wet. Irreversible. 8mm. The General's Daughter. But that's just fiction....

The really dark bit, the part that makes me feel dirty in the wrong way, is that I have the same reaction to these acts when they occur in real life. I won't mention specific stories, although many come to mind, because there must be limits to what I can write here and get away with, lol. But when I hear in the media about acts of sexual violence that have really happened, especially locally, my body reacts. I become aroused. I don't mean to enjoy someone's suffering, but I find myself thinking, what would it be like to be them.... with someone doing those things... those degrading, humiliating things.... Yes, I know that they didn't enjoy it, that it was most likely a terrifying, traumatic experience. I'm not glad that they were harmed in such an awful way. But I can't help thinking, what if..... what if it was me.... if only it was....

Shameful, yes? Sick. Insensitive. Disgraceful. For Master, I'm sure it won't be at all surprising. He has known all my dark secrets since the day he met me. He read them in my eyes - the first person who was not afraid to see. Try feeling these things, thinking these awful things, being so ashamed, hiding from yourself, and then meeting someone who knows it all without it being said, and smiles. That person will own you. When someone accepts in you what you find unacceptable, you become more vulnerable than any judgement could ever make you. You cannot not love them.