Outed!

Its not important how it happened, but she said it was an accident. I've been living with Vanilla Betty for a few months now, and I knew I couldn't keep it a secret from her forever. She came across some private information, and confronted me: "I know you are submissive, and that he is your master!"

She was clearly disturbed, and rambled a little, trying to be open-minded but unable to hold back her real feelings: she was angry, scared, and didn't trust him. She couldn't understand why I would want this, and as my friend, she was worried for my safety.

In a way, I can understand where she was coming from. We operate on a whole other set of values and assumptions to the vanilla world - and certainly a challenging one to Betty's conservative religious upbringing, and her strong ideals of feminism, equality and social justice. Values that I share - so I can recognise how "twisted" (yes, she used the word twisted) and irrational it must seem that I could want to be treated this way. The first, and hardest question, she wanted answered was WHY?

How to explain it to someone who doesn't have it in them to understand this, without sounding psychologically ill? I tried my best to think of an analogy but couldn't. I told her it makes me happy, it feels liberating to give up control to another person. It gives me a sense of peace to offer someone so much trust.

Which brought up her next panicked question: but how do you know he can be trusted? I told her I have known Master for longer than she thinks, and that I didn't just hand over control in one moment, it has been a gradual progression, so that as we got to know each other better, I offered more to him, and he has consistently shown that he deserves that trust.

But how can you do that? I'm worried about you. I reminded her that she knows I am an intelligent person who makes responsible choices. I wouldn't do something like this frivolously. I told her it is not a new role for me - I have some experience and have learned a few things, and I am able to look after myself.

She told me she's never liked the way he always seemed "so dominating" of me in conversation. I told her I knew she was perceptive and wasn't surprised she had noticed. I told her that I liked it that he was this way, and so it shouldn't cause her offense - he is not doing anything harmful.

Its like when people say they don't mind gay people, but they don't like seeing them show affection in public - so really they do have a problem with it. That's how I feel. Good observation. So you can see that the uncomfortable feeling you have about it is a prejudice? (She didn't like that.)

Why do I have to be dragged into it? When he talks to me that way in front of you, he is not dragging you into our sex life. This goes beyond sex - its part of who we are. When he talks to me in a way that reminds me of his power over me, it is a way of expressing our relationship to one another - done subtly in conversation, because we can't be open about it in front of you.

What do you mean, part of who you are? I mean that its not just a game or a fetish - I am naturally submissive. I've always had the urge to give up control to someone in a relationship. I find it very fulfilling. And he finds it fulfilling to be in control.

How could somebody be like that - wanting to control other people? He doesn't go around controlling people. He's not a sociopath, or a manipulator. He controls people who want to be controlled.

I can't help it, the idea of you being with such a dominant personality upsets me. That's not all there is to him. He is not just dominant, he is also caring, sensitive, intelligent, respectful, fair, and very trustworthy. Don't stereotype him. I could see on her face that she knew I had a point.

Later, she expressed concern over my loyalty to her friendship: I have known you for ten years, and he just walks into your life and you put him first? I don't rank the people in my life. I don't think about anyone as more important than anyone else (with the exception of my son, who must be a priority to me). I have a different relationship to him to the one I have with you - and within that, I treat him with respect and give him power over me. That doesn't change my friendship with you.

She grew angry at me at the idea that I can't assert power over him. I can't believe you wouldn't stick up for me against him! I would talk to him honestly because I care about you. And that is more than you have the right to ask of me - you can and should stick up for youself. I can't and won't tell him what to do.

What happens if what he wants hurts someone else? That depends on how serious it is - there may be some kind of compromise possible. If I think something he wants of me will hurt someone in a way that is important enough, I can tell him how I feel. He treats my feelings and needs with respect. Its not just about him - he does care about other people.

What about treating your friends with respect? What about you, as my friend, treating me with respect by respecting my relationship and not asking me to compromise it?

Eventually, she conceded: Ok. I don't expect to be able to understand this. But I will put in some effort and try, if you give me time, to accept it. I said, that would mean a lot to me.

What a relief that I managed to answer her questions and comments without faltering! I remember a time when I would not have had the confidence and self-acceptance to be able to have this kind of conversation - a time when I, too, thought I must be "twisted" and felt a lot of shame about submission. I can't say I'm totally changed - but today I confirmed that I have come a long way.