Fear & desire

Someone said to me recently that many of our biggest sexual fantasies are a reflection of our greatest fears. There are a million obvious ways that idea could be applied to anyone into anything kinky, probably without much substance. But when that (vanilla) person said that, what immediately came to my mind was one specific way in which, for me, it is undeniably and very deeply true.

I am quite obviously (to anyone who has read much of this blog, or anyone who knows me well) terrified of one thing above any other: being rejected by someone I love. I am most afraid of making myself vulnerable to someone, and them leaving me.

The connection I made when I heard the comment above came easily - one fantasy I've long had but never explored is abandonment. Specifically, being tied, locked up, or otherwise restrained, and left. Not knowing where the person on whom my release is dependent has gone, and when or even if they will return. Left alone and vulnerable, and with nothing to do but wait.... and wait...

I have always marveled at that fantasy, what its appeal might be, and whether the reality would really be the strangely pleasant anxiety-provoking experience it is in my mind, or if the mix of emotions would be a negative experience. Today, I found out.

I had no idea what Master had in mind when he told me to lay face down on the bed, and cuffed my wrists to the corners, pulling them tight so I had little movement in my arms at all. He blindfolded me and, for a while, went about his business. I was aware that there was still a while to go before he had to leave for work, and he had previously asked about the time, so I supposed that he was expecting someone who would use me. An anonymous fuck while tied to the bed sounded nice, and since it wasn't a long while before he had to leave, I figured it would be a pretty short wait.

I heard music, realised Master had kindly selected one of my favourite CDs, and smiled to myself. I laid there, waited, and relaxed. At first I thought I'd imagined the light touch of an object against my pussy, but there it was a second time - Master was teasing me with something, and I hadn't even been aware he had re-entered the room. I sighed when he stopped, wanting more, and more was given, in the form of a few light strikes to my ass cheeks - crop or cane, not firm enough for me to be really sure which. I wondered if his plan was not a horny stranger, but some heavy pain, but guessed that given his plans for me later this week, he wouldn't want to mark me. He stopped and left the room again.

I started wondering what was taking so long. Did he just want to leave me restrained in his bedroom for the rest of his time at home, and not release me til he left for work? He entered the room again, and I heard him moving around, fiddling with something. When I felt the loop of rope circle my ankle I moaned in surprised pleasure (I would describe myself as having a rope fetish). He tied off both my feet as tightly as my hands, and then came closer to me and told me to lift my head. At first I thought it was a gag he placed in front of me and I anticipated pain again, but it wasn't a gag, but a collar. He positioned it firmly around my neck, and although my movement was no more restricted than without it, I felt all the more captive. With cuffs and ropes he confines me, but with a collar he possesses me.

A few more taps on my ass with what was definitely a crop this time. He ran it up my body and the side of my face. I took the tip in my mouth - I am not normally one to get any joy out of leather, but at that moment I lusted for it. He placed the crop on my back, sitting with the end between my ass cheeks, and left the room. And then left the house.

I waited, spread out and blind. I heard the front door close and listened, thinking, is he standing outside? Or is he inside, and the door was just a bluff? No, I felt quite sure he'd really left. At first I waited for him to come back inside. Slowly I realised he'd actually gone somewhere. I waited. I thought, he'll probably be only ten minutes. I started to wish I'd asked permission to use the toilet before he'd tied me down. I started to worry about that a lot, feeling pressure on my bladder from lying face down and groaned a little, imagining the horror if I couldn't hold on and eventually pissed in Master's bed. Eventually I caught hold of myself, and rationalised it. I didn't really need to go that badly at all - it was just the lack of any other sensation that was making the need feel stronger - nothing else to focus my attention on.

I tried to relax and prepare myself to wait. I listened, trying to hear if each passing car was his, pulling back into the driveway. Several times I was fooled. I wondered where he was, and what he was doing. I wondered if he would leave me there and go to work. I wondered if he had meant to be back by now, and something had gone wrong. I instantly scratched that thought from my mind - imagining bad things would only make me panic.

I wondered again if he really was there, and I raised my head to listen more carefully. It was hard - the sound of his ceiling fan was tricky. I whimpered a little, thinking again of my bladder, and called, "Sir...?". No answer. His home phone rang, kept ringing, and the machine answered, confirming I was alone. Ok. Don't think about needing to pee.

I started feeling mildly impatient, and tapped my fingers a little. I had been here so long. It felt like a couple of hours - and I'd thought he needed to be back to go to work? How long, I wondered, should I wait before trying to struggle out of this? I tried not to think that I wouldn't be able to, instead delayed the issue by reminding myself that Master had left me here because this was how he wanted me, and I should not fight that or I would disappoint him. I recognised that of course it would feel like a long time: I couldn't move, or see, and had nothing to occupy my mind other than my anxieties. I realised that the CD was on repeat, and I tried to work out how far through its second run it was. I reasoned that given the length of the album (that I knew well), I had been there roughly 3o minutes. Ok. But didn't that put it really close to the time he needed to be at work? If I was right, surely he had intended to be back by now. Suddenly I desperately wanted to know the time. I realised I could rub my head against the bed and dislodge the blindfold to check. But what if I couldn't get it back, and Master returned to find I had disobediently removed it? I resolved to hold on at least until the CD restarted a third time before I considered that an option.

I decided to stop worrying and concentrate on the music. I followed the lyrics and whispered the words to myself. Finally I started to give in, and relax. I was stuck here, alone. I trust Master, and I would trust that this was what he had intended - I had no other choice, anyway. Perhaps he really wouldn't return for a very long time, that wouldn't change anything. I had to wait, so I would wait.

Did I hear a noise? Was that the front door? I heard nothing further, just the music and the fan, and started to think I had imagined it. Then I thought I could hear breathing in the room with me - was that real? If Master was there, he was standing still a long time. What if it was someone else? A total stranger, walked into the house and standing there, looking at me... Just when I started to think it was all in my head, the bed creaked. Yes, definitely someone there. Was it Master, or not? I waited... finally, a body on the bed behind me, my thighs pushed apart, and a cock pushed inside me. Yes! It was him - inexplicably but unquestionably familiar. Suddenly all the anxieties of my wait came to a head and I felt euphoric - I would have orgasmed beyond belief that second... if I'd had permission :)

All up, Master said he had left me for 45 minutes. It was a challenging experience - I had to work to keep myself calm, and without the music I'm not sure I could have. But overall, a very positive one - and reaffirming of my trust in him. If there's a next time, it will probably be easier. And I hope - very cautiously - that there is.