True sluts die hard

Master's teaching style is like nothing I've encountered before. I have to strain to think of a time he's directly said no to me. He may correct me, but rarely will he tell me what to say or do in place of my error - he waits for me to figure it out myself, with little more than a subtle nudge in the right direction if I really, really need it. I find this a very valuable part of my journey: I am really learning, not just repeating what I'm told.

When I passed on a play request from Sir J recently, I expected he may think about it before giving an answer. I should not have been surprised when, instead, he told me to think about it. He said "I want you to consider what is really being asked here." It has taken me longer than it should to respond, but I do think I understand...

The play I am permitted to take part in is not for my own enjoyment - I may be allowed some pleasure, but that is a gift, not to be taken for granted. I participate for my Master's pleasure, and second to that, for the pleasure of others he has invited. It is not appropriate for me to play for the pleasure of myself and other people, just because I have been asked to.

But there is even more to it than that. Its also about power and what it means to submit. I have given myself to Master. If I submit to another, who he has not chosen to offer me to, I am taking from him. Master's property is not mine to give.

And more still: its about what it means to truly belong to him. If I am completely his, there should be no part of me that is not devoted to him. That means no part of me that should ever want to submit to someone else. And I know Sir J understands this: when I was his sub, he forbade me from submitting to others from the beginning - so I would "know who I belonged to". But Sir J missed an important point: being forced to act a certain way, and choosing to act that way because it reflects what I really feel, are different things.

I never used to understand some subs who so proudly say they are submissive only to their "one". That always seemed to sound "less sub" to me. But more recently I've realised they are more sub. Because to give yourself entirely to another person, there cannot be anything left for anyone else. Now that I've rethought that, it seems so obvious - I can't believe I never grasped what that meant before. I have been thinking of myself as submissive in general, slave to one. But for that to really be true, I have to give up the submissive "in general" part - it becomes just a historical fact.

This isn't just about one scene, or just about submission, or even just about BDSM. Its about all play with all people. I belong to Master, and my purpose is to please him. I need to let go of the hope I still hang on to for my own play and my own pleasure. This is hard for me to even admit - I feel so disappointed with myself to realise how far I still have to go. I am an absolute slut, after all, and that makes this very hard to let go of. A part of the reason this response has taken so long, is that I realised I am on the verge of making that leap. It has been a long time since I've had my own fun, and for the most part I've had little desire to, but to give up not just the right, but the hope and expectation of it, feels like a very hard step to take.

I won't play with Sir J, not because Master says no, but because I say no. Because I know who I belong to.

I want to give myself completely to him. I want to exist only for his pleasure. I don't know if that's possible - I am a mother, too. But its what I want. May I, please, Sir?