Bittersweet

Some things you have to do, that you’d much prefer to hide from. Some things creep up on you and present themselves to your consciousness horribly at some pivotal moment in such a way that you are tied – and you find yourself merely existing through some excruciating event of your own doing, with no other path to take.

Right before her impending visit, I have disowned my sista. Not from hate, or anger, or even because I was compelled to, but out of appalling necessity. Unplanned and unanticipated, but unchangeably all I could do. I feel like I’ve had to amputate my own limb, keeping the preparations outside my own awareness, maintaining denial right up until the moment when the knife split my skin.

For a long time there has been a friction among the four of us – s., myself and our Masters. Naively, I thought I was powerless, caught in the middle. But now it occurs to me that maybe I was the one holding it in place. I apologise – both for letting go, and for taking so long to do it.

Even greater than the shock of my own actions, was Master’s reply when I told him what had happened: "I told you I’d make you pay.”

On the issue of whether I could see her, he had done nothing and said nothing. His silence on the matter had been eerie, deliberate, but complete. I had no sense of being subject to his guidance, just waiting uneasily. I had no suspicion whatsoever that it was I who would finally perform his will.

Did he really plan this? Is his power over me really that great that he can alter my own choices without so much as a word? And without even my own recognition? I feel like a toy that has finally looked up for the first time, and seen puppet strings. I now understand more than ever the question of why my Master so rarely chooses to force his will over mine. Why, when he can quietly change my will?

What also hits me hard is the irony behind his words. For so long now I’ve dwelt on what I might have to give in order to see my sista. I never would have anticipated that it might have been her. And not by force, either – oh no, that would not have been enough. I had to give it up willingly, straight from my own heart.

I still have love for my friend, of course. But in such a short time so much has changed, sacrificed to my Master. Not to please him in order to be rewarded, and not to do his bidding to avoid being hurt. Just to honour and serve him, because that is what I am here to do.

Larger than life

The first time I was allowed into Master's bedroom, my face was covered by a leather hood . I couldn't see a thing, and perhaps because my senses were limited to such a small, dark cavity, I had the feeling of a vast space around me. I pictured the room I was being led into, as enormous! A decadent hardwood bed.. elegant, well-placed mirrors... heavy, plush curtains... high-ceilinged and rich with the smell of lust.

It was just a regular-sized room, of course. There were mirrors, but otherwise it was nothing like I imagined. Master's bedroom is perfectly normal, and now I know it very well. But sometimes... when I lie in his bed and close my eyes... I sense that vast space around me once more, and again feel as though I am in some kind of royal chamber. Blind awe.

Master takes on larger proportions in my mind, too. When I am next to him, my body feels smaller. I am fragile and expectant. I kneel and feel tiny. I close my eyes, and he becomes mammoth.

Its not just his power over me that brings on this sense of his greatness; its him. Master seems full of endless stories about other lives and experiences, times and places I will never see. I admire him for his intelligence, his integrity, his sense of justice. I adore him for his playfulness, sense of humour, and incredible knowledge and passion for music. I revere him to the point where at times he seems omnipotent to me.... knowing every secret corner of my mind, all my fears, my longings, and my weaknesses. I could hide nothing from him, if I tried.

I was lying in a hammock today contemplating nothing, and I suddenly remembered a fantasy from childhood. I recalled wrapping a hammock around my young body so that I was cocooned, and imagining that I was trapped there. In my mind, I was bound, mummified, suspended and waiting for my captor to return. Lying completely still, I would summon the feeling of perfect helplessness, and the ambivalent longing to know where I was and who was holding me there, mixed with the fear that when they returned, I would wish for the familiarity of my restraints. I was blind to their intent and both eager and fearful of my fate. I would lie there, as an innocent child, secretly creating an erotic tension in my mind around the question of where I would be taken and what would be done with me.

Two years ago I never thought I could really become who I am now. But I did know I was ready for something, and I wanted to be taken as far as I could go. It was my choice to give myself to him, but I had no way of knowing where that choice would lead - mentally, emotionally, or physically. I could only wait and see. In many ways, I feel less that I went to him, and more that I was willingly captured.... and led blindly forward into a new place, able only to hope and trust, as I slowly learned what waited for me in his arms.

Happy birthday Sir, and thank you.

Can the unowned choose their owner?

"Hi my supreme Master. Please Sir may i obediently submit myself mind body and soul into your complete control ownership as your domain and as your slave today. I will completely submit to any and every thing you have in mind to force on me. As your possession I have no choice."

What is that?
What makes someone think they have the ability to write a message like that to my Master?
And why does it bother me so much?
He shares that with me and I am confounded. I want to share in his pleasure, but I also feel the bitter need to defend....... something...

It's not like jealously, so much as territoriality... which sounds awful - Master is not 'mine'. But statements like that feel like someone stepping in on my ground, with little or no effort, and that offends me. Most of the time these are messages from people who barely know Master, or haven't met him at all.... So my the first question in my mind is always, don't they realise we take this seriously? That when I say I belong to him, its actually true and not just something that applies when I'm horny??

When I met Master, I would never have said those things to him - and not just because I was scared of committment, lol. How disrespectful it would have felt, to just 'decide' that I was 'his', without him making that decision! And to suggest, by implication, that I wouldn't take it seriously if it was one day really so.

He spoke to me recently about how far I have come - from a naughty, risk-taking slut kneeling in my living room the first time we met.... trained in less than two years to become completely his. To take all the pain, humiliation, body fluids, and control that he wishes.... and still be an extreme slut, under his guidelines.

I have been noticing lately that I almost seem to have lost a part of my sluttiness - the part that is always wanting more. I was with him last night and I noted that after a week without cock I was coping far better than normal. He said that was good, that it meant I was changing my focus... and I realised he was right. These days, when he talks of playing with this person or that, I just don't react with the same enthusiasm I used to - not because I'm not interested, but because I'm not constantly wanting more. He is more important.

It's taken a lot for me to get this far. I've worked hard for him, and he has put a lot of work and effort into me. All the pain, the tears, the hard learning, the love, the submission of one thing after another..... it has been worth it. I have earnt my place... and I continue to earn it. No wonder its such an insult when a stranger sees fit to tell my Master they are his.



PS. That's 100 blog posts, today :)

Love and cake

I don't know if its something in the stars, something about the end of the year approaching, or just chance... but it seems like everyone I know is having a crisis in some way or another lately. Death, separation, reassessment, breakdown.... but mainly the stuff that's far too complicated to mention. These are times when you find yourself deep in shit, like it or not - and the only options are drown in it or swim in it.

Master has had quite a share of it lately, and while it would be inappropriate for me to give details, it takes its toll. Without diminishment, I feel for him - as a small, helpless animal feels for her owner who may be powerful, but not invulnerable. When Master suffers stress, it feels like the only thing I can offer is my loyalty - so having been near him for the last two nights has been the simplest of blessings. I don't know if it helps him, but being able to give him something that he wants makes me feel a little less powerless against his strain.

I have been feeling the pressure, too - but I've also never felt so looked after. Following the surrender I made the other week, I was unsteady. But telling Master my worries, everything became calm and clear... my fears disintegrated into trust. There is nothing at all like being with someone who truly understands you... enough to feel comfort in the presence of your darkest thoughts.

And today, I was having a bad day at work. One of the worst. And just as I was wishing I'd stayed at home, a card arrived, from my beautiful Sista, and her Max, brightening my day. Making me feel lucky, amongst the shit.

Promises, promises

There is nothing quite the same as the grim feeling of deciding to break a promise to myself. I'm stubborn in some ways, I suppose, though I prefer to think of it as loyalty and perserverance. But obviously, if anything can convince me to break a promise I made to myself, its my Master's will.

It was many years ago when, to escape poor body image and pressure to conform, I vowed never to change my shape for a man. A lot has changed since then. My body is no longer my own, and pride is no longer an excuse. It still took a bit of mental pressure to get me to accept breaking the promise. But just a bit.

Master has been too kind to make me feel bad about my recent weight gain, but he has given me a little nudge on the topic. It was in my dreams where he really got strict on it - I woke up panting after dreaming he had tied my hands and leashed me to a treadmill to get me moving. Lol.

In the end, I've got to get over myself and please my Master. I want to take care of his property as he would like me to. I want him to be as proud of my appearance as I hope he is with my behaviour. He owns my body, and he deserves to have it please him. So today, I walked into a gym for the first time in my life. This is a big deal for me. I am, I suppose, breaking another limit for him, and this one I have to do on my own.

I smile sometimes, when I think how much he has changed me in such a short time...

Answer

Master has been noting lately that I have been prone to tardiness - delays answering his sms's, not answering the phone, not emailling him when I should.... I could make a million excuses but I know better than to try - none of them actually excuse anything. I should be attentive to him, always. This is not a part time, when-it-suits-me situation. No matter how busy I may be, he should have my attention.

Last night, he warned me. The punishment I will be given, if my attentiveness does not improve - a night with an unimpressive master.

I was surprised - it seemed light, for Master's usual choice of consequences. But then I thought about it... and thought about it... and I began to realise the meaning behind it....

Master tells me it is not just about pleasing him - he is training me to be the best. If I deserve to be owned by him, as his 'number 1', I will behave that way. But if I behave as an average sub, I deserve only an average master. I must prove I deserve more.

The experience of being sent to someone else for a night wouldn't, in itself, be that bad. But the more I consider it, the more the thought becomes very uncomfortable - being told by Master's actions, if you behave like a common sub, you will be treated like one. Him showing so little pride in me, that he would leave me to the devices of someone he neither likes nor respects. That would be misery, and shame.

There is another, darker message in this also. Its about showing Master the appreciation he deserves. It is an honour for me to be accepted as his possession, and something I must work to live up to. Because if I were not his, then the average, PC, unimaginative, undisciplined Dom is exactly what I would have instead. And I should not forget it.

Some time ago, I asked Master, Sir, how may I serve you better? It was a big question, and one I had considered before offering it. I feel now, coinciding with the arrival of my new sista-in-training, that I am receiving an answer. And I am grateful.

Catharsis, exposure, and a nice place to be

Today, on my way home from his house, I pulled over and screamed. LOUD. Then I sat and bawled my eyes dry, sobbing right from the gut, roaring, howling, holding nothing back. And as I gradually calmed, I found myself moaning, "please.... please, Sir...." and then finally finished the thought at a whisper, "....... please, hurt me...? "

We all need our coping strategies. And yes, there are "normal" things that I do to release my emotions in times of stress. This morning's outburst is a perfect example. I also swim, create photo-art (not always very well, but thats not the point), get massage... oh, and masturbate, lol. But there is absolutely nothing that matches being really hurt for effective stress management. But if I was to try that alone.... well...... lets not go there.

When I'm feeling the pressure of life, I spend more and more of my energy on control - trying to limit the things that stress me, and the effort it takes to control my reactiveness, to avoid expressing my feelings at the wrong place and time. I crave letting Master take away that control, giving my body up to him, and surrendering. The freedom of trust. And each strike is a chance to give up more - to shift my mind from trying to avoid painful sensation to saying "YES" until I am welcoming it... and when his pattern changes, the struggle of avoiding again.... then once again, welcoming.... Its a practice of submission, to him, but also to myself. Accept the pain and it no longer becomes a threat. Just as that applies physically, the same is true for emotional pain.

Being flogged is almost like psychodrama. Its taking whats going on internally and making it tangible, allowing me to choose how to respond to it. Don't avoid it, feel it. Accept it, then release it. Feel... accept... release... feel... accept... release... until it becomes my whole existence, and I've forgotten who I am... forgotten everything except feel-accept-release, and above all, the love and gratitude for Sir, who has become the Sun. Such perfect peace, as though I could just fade into transparency and slowly disappear. The word 'subspace' only cheapens it.

I don't want to give the wrong idea - I did enjoy my night with him last night. He put me on show performing at his instructions online. I do enjoy it when he shows me off. I love standing in the position he has placed me in while he runs a finger between my thighs and teases me, knowing that someone is watching, someone who knows he can do anything he likes with me.

He asked me at one point if it was the thought that the voyeur(s) might be aroused and excited watching me, that they might lust after me and want to use me, but its not really any of those things. What I love the most is the simple objectification of it. The fact that my Master has me on display, like.... well, like a possession, which is exactly what I am. Not that people are looking at me but that they can look at me. That I have no way of hiding, no dignity, am allowed no modesty, I am not a person but a human object. One of my biggest fantasies is to be tied up in some exposing position, and gagged, then left in the middle of a room while people socialise around me. They would talk, and drink... and make comments about me, tease me... but even more humiliating, they would also periodically ignore me.

He didn't let me orgasm until very late last night, so when I finally could, it seemed to go on forever. Face down, turning my head to the side, I could see his shape over me, feel the power as he pushed hard into me, and I felt small, and owned. Not quite the catharsis I've been pleading for, but a nice place to be.

I have so many worries right now, and I had planned to blog them, but now I feel like leaving it on a more positive note instead. Sometimes its all so hard. And yes, Sista, there is always a choice to make. But sometimes, even through the tough shit, the choice is so right that its already made before the question is asked - and then its easy to forget that there ever was one.

Umm, where was that positive note...? Really, all I'm trying to say is, I love my Master unconditionally. I have given myself to him - my body, my mind, my heart, my life. I have given up my freedom. I have given up my consent. I have no right to take anything back, and I would never want to. I am his, inside and out. Even when its so fucking hard... its still a nice place to be.

nadi, forever

Sir, today I mentioned that I still think a lot about you marking me, and I would like to take the opportunity to share my thoughts, if that is ok....

I remember very clearly on the day we first met in person, you saying that if you ever collared me, you would brand me. I took that very seriously, Sir. You know how devoted to you I have become since that day, and it probably wouldn't surprise you to know that I want to be collared by you very very much. I fantasise about it, but I don't mention it because its something I feel I should not ask for. Partly that's because of what your comment about branding meant to me: that if I am ever collared to you, that is how seriously I should be prepared to take it.

In the last twelve months I have been internally transformed. I understand things about myself, and about life, that I never thought I could, and I've found a new part of myself via a relationship I thought was beyond me. Everything I am for the rest of my life will be altered by the experience of being owned. No matter what happens, some part of me, hidden or right out in the open, will forever be 'nadi'.

I felt very unsure about the idea of having something permanent on my body representing ownership of me. I was worried about what would happen if later, I was no longer yours, and I regretted being marked. You know I am very dependent and attached to you - what if I lost you and a mark of your ownership came to be a painful, hurtful thing for me, associated with what I had lost? I was also worried about possible future owners, and their dislike of it, and possibly feeling pressured to be marked again one day to counter this. I keep thinking, I am only 27 - I will have many years of play yet, how many of them will I actually be yours for? You know how my mind works - as much as I love you, I can't trust that, and my assumption is always that it can't last.

I am very lucky to be owned by my Master. I sincerely believe I will never find anyone else who could understand and accept me like he does, who could see straight into the dark cellar of my heart like he can, who could take me there, even farther still, and show me the way back... teaching me to be me in my rawest form, all the while holding me securely like he does...

A few months ago I had another thought, though... What if I regret NOT doing it? You have taken me further than I ever thought I could go, Sir, taught me so much, and you are very special to me. I may be inexperienced, but I'm observant enough to know that a Master like you is extremely rare. In all likelihood, any future "owners" I may have will be measured against you inside my mind. There is a good chance that I won't find one who comes close for a long, long time - IF I find one at all.

I want to offer him everything. If there will ever be anyone in my life who deserves so much, it is unquestionably him. He will always be the one who saw through me and showed me my potential. He will always be the one who taught me that, whatever I am, I am ok. He will always be the one who knew nadi, and made her real.

I promised myself I would wait until I had known you for one year, and see what I thought of it then. So I could be sure. And a year isn't even that long - if I was talking to another sub and they said this to me, I would think she was NUTS! But I've found that in those few months, I've only wanted it more. Its almost a year now and I'm finding myself longing and fantasising for you to mark me - with a collar or without.

I think that perhaps I need to earn it. I know it is your choice, not mine. And so I should not ask. I am letting you know my thoughts and feelings currently, and thats all. I know you will do what is best for me, Sir.

your nadi xx

I am honoured that he has allowed me to give myself to him as much as I have. I want to continue to have the chance to please him in every way I can. I want him to be proud of his property. If one day I deserve it, he will fully accept me as his, and I will be marked for life, inside and out. Even if he one day releases me, I will still, in some way, remain his.

I'm a dirty girl, but....

A long time ago I remember chatting to Master and moaning to him that my previous "owner" had made me do his ironing. He quickly put me in my place, and let me know with his usual implicitness that those complaints were not acceptable. I'm glad he did - it was insolent of me to bitch about something completely appropriate and by doing so, imply that Master should not ask the same of me. He has every right to demand that I do his laundry, or wash the floor, or do his dishes, or clean the bathroom with both hands tied behind my back if thats what he wants.

When he did start directing me to do household tasks for him, I surprised myself by actually enjoying them. I'm not a domestic person, and struggle for motivation to do housework under normal circumstances, but I found myself jumping at the chance to please him. I remember one night at his house, kneeling in my usual corner and waiting for his attention, when he asked me to sort his socks into pairs. I was delighted to do it, and spent far longer than necessary folding them neatly and placing them into a pile. He was completely indifferent (they were only socks) but I felt enormous satisfaction at having done something for him to the best of my ability.

Sooner than later, I also started doing things he didn't ask of me. After a night at his house, when he leaves and I am there alone, I've made a habit of checking for chores that I can do before I go home. Sometimes he notes it and thanks me, sometimes he doesn't. Either way, I feel a warm pride and pleasure to have done something to serve him, however small.

Today I noticed something new: I didn't have much time, but it felt wrong to leave without taking care of the obvious chores to be done. I just had to wash the dishes and clean the floor. I know there are plenty of neat-freaks out there that feel this way all the time, but I'm certainly not one of them. My own house is a mess and that suits me fine. But I just can't leave my Master's house with something clearly undone. Not because he told me to, or even to earn his praise (though it sure is nice when I get it!) but just because it might please him when he comes home : )

So why the difference in attitude now? I sure as hell wouldn't complain about doing the ironing these days. I'm convinced its simply because I belong to a better Master. Others have ordered me around and I've complied, but Sir can bring out the natural slave in me.

An open letter to Sir J

I regret ever asking permission to give you the address of this blog, but its just as well - I know you have never read it, and that tells me something important. The same thing it tells me to realise that, when you contact me, it is never to "catch up" but always because you want something. And that when we "talk", it is always about you.

You really know nothing about me, for someone that I have called a friend. The things you think you know say more about yourself than me. I used to try and convey to you the seriousness of my commitment to Master and the depth of my submission, but as much as you'd say you understand, it was always clear that not only do you understand nothing, but you don't even care to. Do you take nothing seriously that is not your own?

And what is your own, you take far too seriously. Your sub's behaviour is utterly reprehensible. As a sub, I am disgusted at her. And every time you say that she is still "the perfect submissive" its a slap in the face for me, for my Sista, and for any one of us with an ounce of loyalty. Your tolerance for it astonishes me... but then again, maybe I shouldn't be surprised. It was never easy to respect you as my Dom when it was so obvious that you were being played - I shouldn't have bothered, and thankfully I didn't for long. For an intelligent man, you are not very smart. Now I just thank my lucky stars to have found a Master who has more pride than that.... and who appreciates the qualities I have to offer.

Yes, I am angry - at your self-centredness, and lack of care to even pay the slightest attention to anything going on around you. But I am grateful for that in a way, too, so I can rest assured that you won't ever have the satisfaction of knowing..........................

Of course, I know the one I am most angry at is myself, for being stupid enough to be sucked in by your charm. For an intelligent woman, I am not always very smart. But unlike you, I know exactly what I've got, and what is worth holding on to.

More wait...

When he finally spoke to me, it gave me some relief, but I hadn't anticipated the new torment: I'm now richoceting around from one emotion to another almost randomly. One minute I'm on a high knowing he has not rejected me totally, imagining the ecstacy it will be when I may finally see him again... the next minute I crash into despair at having disappointed him so badly, and feel sick at the shame I will feel when I may look at him again. And in between, the anxiety of waiting for the next contact - as much as it helps me cope to hear something from him, it is also a tease that makes me want to throw myself into his arms, feel his heartbeat, and smell his warm sweat. And I hate that I know, that when I am finally permitted to see him, I may not do that, or even touch him until he allows it.

But I should not complain. The small amount of contact he has given me is far, far better than the unbearable pain of nothing at all, and I feel overwhelmed with gratitude for the simplest message, even a stern one. At first, I struggled with doubt, completely uncertain what he would want from me, but now knowing that my waiting pleases him, makes me much stronger. And now that I am past the initial panic, I can better consider my mistakes, as I know he would want me to.

I still have to wait, and I don't know when he will speak to me again, how long it will be before I may greet him as usual, or when I will be permitted to see him...... and what he will do with me when that time comes.... but no matter how harshly he treats me, it will be worth it just to see him again.

True sluts die hard

Master's teaching style is like nothing I've encountered before. I have to strain to think of a time he's directly said no to me. He may correct me, but rarely will he tell me what to say or do in place of my error - he waits for me to figure it out myself, with little more than a subtle nudge in the right direction if I really, really need it. I find this a very valuable part of my journey: I am really learning, not just repeating what I'm told.

When I passed on a play request from Sir J recently, I expected he may think about it before giving an answer. I should not have been surprised when, instead, he told me to think about it. He said "I want you to consider what is really being asked here." It has taken me longer than it should to respond, but I do think I understand...

The play I am permitted to take part in is not for my own enjoyment - I may be allowed some pleasure, but that is a gift, not to be taken for granted. I participate for my Master's pleasure, and second to that, for the pleasure of others he has invited. It is not appropriate for me to play for the pleasure of myself and other people, just because I have been asked to.

But there is even more to it than that. Its also about power and what it means to submit. I have given myself to Master. If I submit to another, who he has not chosen to offer me to, I am taking from him. Master's property is not mine to give.

And more still: its about what it means to truly belong to him. If I am completely his, there should be no part of me that is not devoted to him. That means no part of me that should ever want to submit to someone else. And I know Sir J understands this: when I was his sub, he forbade me from submitting to others from the beginning - so I would "know who I belonged to". But Sir J missed an important point: being forced to act a certain way, and choosing to act that way because it reflects what I really feel, are different things.

I never used to understand some subs who so proudly say they are submissive only to their "one". That always seemed to sound "less sub" to me. But more recently I've realised they are more sub. Because to give yourself entirely to another person, there cannot be anything left for anyone else. Now that I've rethought that, it seems so obvious - I can't believe I never grasped what that meant before. I have been thinking of myself as submissive in general, slave to one. But for that to really be true, I have to give up the submissive "in general" part - it becomes just a historical fact.

This isn't just about one scene, or just about submission, or even just about BDSM. Its about all play with all people. I belong to Master, and my purpose is to please him. I need to let go of the hope I still hang on to for my own play and my own pleasure. This is hard for me to even admit - I feel so disappointed with myself to realise how far I still have to go. I am an absolute slut, after all, and that makes this very hard to let go of. A part of the reason this response has taken so long, is that I realised I am on the verge of making that leap. It has been a long time since I've had my own fun, and for the most part I've had little desire to, but to give up not just the right, but the hope and expectation of it, feels like a very hard step to take.

I won't play with Sir J, not because Master says no, but because I say no. Because I know who I belong to.

I want to give myself completely to him. I want to exist only for his pleasure. I don't know if that's possible - I am a mother, too. But its what I want. May I, please, Sir?