Notorious anonymous

Perhaps it is true that we all want to be famous for something? I never used to think so. In my vanilla world, I mean. I've always thought I preferred to stay out of the limelight. You wouldn't think so from seeing me "slut", but I am actually the quiet one at parties, standing in the corner having a peaceful drink and chat. The thought of getting everyone's attention makes my palms wet as much as my pussy, lol.

But no slut would be complete without a streak of exhibitionism. Did I say a streak? In reality, I have grown to have a whole lot more than that. With Master's encouragement, I have learned to love people watching me fuck. Or play. Or just prance around half naked. Last time I was at the airport picking Master up, I wore a top that showed nearly my whole tits, and thoroughly enjoyed the extra attention from security. Not to mention the guy who bought me a drink just so he could take a photo and inform me he was going to jerk off on the plane.

Somehow it never feels like enough. I want full exposure, more attention! At last count Master had no less than 1,780 photos of me used, fucked, whored, choked, creamed, or just showing off. Plus video. I look through them and wish so badly I could show the world what I am.

Back in the days when I still played around freely, I started getting into doing webcam shows on kinky personals sites. I would start of playing the 'traditional' way, then gradually work up to more unique additions, watching the number of viewers grow. I would show off my pain tolerance, open my slut holes, and get dirty with hundreds of people watching. Yeah!

I often wish I could develop this blog into my very own pornsite. "slutnadi.com". There would be pics, more every week or every day, and some of my kinky artwork. I'd add links to my favourite online porn. Perhaps there would be snippets of video, and a collection of Master's favourite photos and entries. There could be a guestbook and a private email where viewers could make personal requests. Paysite or freebie, I wouldn't care. I would be grateful for every person who saw me being myself and thought, 'What a whore'...

Would Master ever allow that? I really don't know. My feeling is, not while I want it so much. I used to feel great frustration that he does not allow me to disclose my blog address without permission. Now, I recognise the wisdom in that. A private blog allows me to speak more freely. It also keeps its purpose intact: the blog is for my Master, not for entertaining a crowd. And it reminds me that, like my body, my thoughts are owned... and will be shared with whom he chooses. Feed the exhibitionist too much, and she may forget how to watch and listen...

"Yes please, Sir."

"Would you like to be whipped until you bleed?"
"Yes please, Sir."
"Would you like me to shit on you?"
"Yes please, Sir."
"Shall I fill your cunt with hot melted wax?"
"Yes please, Sir."
"Should I dump you naked in a group of drunks to be raped?"
"Yes please, Sir."

It's a powerful experience, to say those words: yes, please - to something a big part of me finds unthinkable. But I can't answer any other way, even if I try. Recently Sir asked me something I felt so horrified by that I did say "No, thank you Sir." .... but then I paused.... and retracted it with a "yes, please". When he asked why the quick change of heart, I answered truthfully - that I'd heard the no come out of my mouth, and felt disappointed. I couldn't stand to hear myself limit my desire. The high that comes with saying "yes" to anything at all, is enough to make me give up all my defenses.

For a long time, it has been a relief to be permitted no limits - to know my Master may do what he likes no matter what I say. It absolves me of choice, and thus responsibility. But it seems that is no longer enough. It seems that not only do I want to give up my control over what happens, and not just embrace and accept anything he decides... but I want to ask for anything he might consider entertaining, or that might prove my complete submission to him.

Sometimes I wish he didn't ask me so often. I want to be led, taken, and forced without even the opportunity to say no. But Master asks, even though his choices have little to do with my answer. I guess as much as he enjoys the thrill of force just as I do, my Master wants to know what I'm feeling - and he wants not just a slave, but a willing one. Or maybe he just finds it entertaining to hear me ask for it. *smiles*

Last night was a case in point. He was taking a jar of Tiger Balm, and smearing the contents onto my nipples, over my pussy, and shoving it inside my cunt and arse. Each time he asked if I wanted more, I hesitated, and asked myself, could I really stand that burning sensation engulfing me, to intensify again? And then I would realise that, pain aside, I couldn't stand the thought of saying no. Each time I momentarily feared the knowledge that once the balm was added, there was no escaping it - and then that was exactly what I loved the most once it was there. I was under him, swinging like a pendulum from yes to no...
.... and there have been far worse things...

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It has been a disappointingly long time since I've blogged. I know Master is unhappy about that, and I am grateful to him for allowing my block to take its course. There are many reasons, and "worse things" is one of them... as the exploration of the depths of my submission to him becomes more extreme, there are more and more things I just can't write about. And that makes me feel despondent. When I started this blog I felt inspired by the freedom it brought - to express what was in my mind freely and openly, without constraint. As much as I longed to share it, I also appreciated Master's choice to limit the blog's audience - it allowed me to be much more honest to bare all without fear. And now the things I want to write most - the powerful, most meaningful things - I must censor. It is a struggle to write at all when no matter what goes down on the page, I really want to say something else.... and all I end up with is a bunch of fragments.

There are other reasons, too, but I don't want this to degenerate to a list of excuses. I still don't know how to overcome it. All I can say is that, my lack of words has certainly not been caused by a lack of inspiration.

Thank you, Sir.

Can the unowned choose their owner?

"Hi my supreme Master. Please Sir may i obediently submit myself mind body and soul into your complete control ownership as your domain and as your slave today. I will completely submit to any and every thing you have in mind to force on me. As your possession I have no choice."

What is that?
What makes someone think they have the ability to write a message like that to my Master?
And why does it bother me so much?
He shares that with me and I am confounded. I want to share in his pleasure, but I also feel the bitter need to defend....... something...

It's not like jealously, so much as territoriality... which sounds awful - Master is not 'mine'. But statements like that feel like someone stepping in on my ground, with little or no effort, and that offends me. Most of the time these are messages from people who barely know Master, or haven't met him at all.... So my the first question in my mind is always, don't they realise we take this seriously? That when I say I belong to him, its actually true and not just something that applies when I'm horny??

When I met Master, I would never have said those things to him - and not just because I was scared of committment, lol. How disrespectful it would have felt, to just 'decide' that I was 'his', without him making that decision! And to suggest, by implication, that I wouldn't take it seriously if it was one day really so.

He spoke to me recently about how far I have come - from a naughty, risk-taking slut kneeling in my living room the first time we met.... trained in less than two years to become completely his. To take all the pain, humiliation, body fluids, and control that he wishes.... and still be an extreme slut, under his guidelines.

I have been noticing lately that I almost seem to have lost a part of my sluttiness - the part that is always wanting more. I was with him last night and I noted that after a week without cock I was coping far better than normal. He said that was good, that it meant I was changing my focus... and I realised he was right. These days, when he talks of playing with this person or that, I just don't react with the same enthusiasm I used to - not because I'm not interested, but because I'm not constantly wanting more. He is more important.

It's taken a lot for me to get this far. I've worked hard for him, and he has put a lot of work and effort into me. All the pain, the tears, the hard learning, the love, the submission of one thing after another..... it has been worth it. I have earnt my place... and I continue to earn it. No wonder its such an insult when a stranger sees fit to tell my Master they are his.



PS. That's 100 blog posts, today :)

Warning: the following contains absolutely no material that may offend anyone :(

The most surprising thing just happened. I was a bit distracted while logging in to my blog this morning, typing on auto-pilot, and I entered completely the wrong login information. I didn't even realise until the page loaded and I thought, hang on, thats not Viti Levu... Then I realised who the author was: me! A totally different blog, one that I had completely forgotten existed. Even now, I barely have any recollection of actually writing it.

It is a mere half a dozen posts long, and was written in late 2005-early 2006. And contains nothing particularly exciting, kinky or sex-related. In fact, from the timing, it looks like I may have stopped having the time to write after entering my uncontrollable slut phase (lol). But I'm sure if I told Master this, his response would be "Lets see it." So, here's a link to what I called "Nadblog".

An open invitation

As I've said before, it is Master who decides when I may share my blog and with whom, and he prefers to keep it relatively restricted. This has the effect of making me extremely curious when I look at my statistics and see how many people around the world are reading it without a personal invitation - sometimes as a once-off, sometimes more. Who are you? What bought you here? What do you think of what you read?

To my delight, I have just been given permission to supply an email address for anyone who finds it to contact me and let me know the answers to some of these questions, or make any other comments you wish. Please say hello, I would love to hear anything at all you would like to say :)

nadi.viti.levu@gmail.com

And always, public comments are more than welcome :)

The wait

"Start a blog," He said, "I want to know what you are thinking and feeling. I want to know what you imagine us doing."

A part of me doesn't want to right now - its too much, too private. But thats what makes it most relevant, and most important that I do. I may not hide anything from him, even in silence.

Since the last time Master spoke to me, I have been a mess of hurt and shame. He was so angry about what I'd done that I feared he would never want me back. I've been anxious and crying. I've been sleeping little and eating less. I feel crushed... fragmented... lost...

Is this my punishment? May I beg for it to stop?

I have been blind and carelessly disobedient. I deserve to be treated harshly for my ignorance and failure to learn, and I will embrace the sternest discipline with gratitude.... but his rejection is more than I can take.

He told me once that I deserved him, and I was awed. Even then it seemed like more compliment than I had earned. Perhaps I don't deserve him anymore...?

I told him I would wait until he wished to speak to me. It has been agonising, taking every ounce of my determination and strength to show the patience I know he desires in me, and wait for him. So many fears are running through my mind - what if he never speaks to me again? What if he just doesn't want me anymore? What if I try speaking to him and he is angry again? What if he tells me I may not speak to him? What if I have to wait a long time? How long can I cope?

I imagine going to his house and waiting outside his door for him, until he comes home. I want to kneel with my head down and wait. And when he ignores me and goes inside, I will still wait. As long as it takes. I would wait for him all night if he didn't return. And if he left the next morning, without acknowledging me, I would return that same night and wait some more. If it comes to it, I will. I told Sista this and she said "What if he kicks you like a stray dog?" I thought, I hope he does. Anything is better than him ignoring me. And I said "I belong to him. He can do what he likes with me."

This is my worst fear come to life - I let myself love him and now he is gone, through my own doing, and I don't know if or when he will return. Just like we enacted on the day when he left me tied and abandoned, I have no choice but to wait as long as it takes - because he possesses me. That day I was scared, but now it is real, and I am hurting to the core. Without my beautiful Sista's help, I would simply break apart.

I told her that blogging seemed like a cheat - a way of speaking to him while still waiting, and it was her that pointed out that he wants to read my thoughts and feelings in the blog. And this is too important to leave out. Thank you, Sis...

Recently I asked him about why he prefers me to keep my blog private, selecting who I should give the link to and when, and he chose not to answer directly. Thinking now, I feel I understand what the answer is: it doesn't matter why, because the blog is his. It is his possession of my thoughts, feelings, and fantasies. He chooses what to do with them, not me. Like my body, it belongs to him, and he will share it with whom he chooses. So today, I may not want to publish my disgrace and shame, but I will, because I write it for him, no one else.

Contained

I feel another one of those shifts today, where I am somehow more his than I was the day before. Funny, that feeling only ever comes in the morning, the day after whatever events occurred to push me even further under his control. I am never aware that its happening at the time, only after I've slept, and wake with that sense of enslavement that makes me want to sigh and murmur "Sir" to myself all day. I sincerely hope that no matter how fully subject to his authority I ever become, that feeling still comes to me from time to time...

At first I wasn't sure what had bought this on today, but after thinking on it I believe its a combination of circumstances. Part of it was our conversation last night - imagining living with him on his hypothetical farm, what he called his heaven, and the honour of hearing that possession of me would be part of that dream... him complimenting my performance, and the joy it makes me feel to know I have pleased him... the intense humiliation of him referring to me as "great breeding stock". Another part of it was for the first time, admitting to a third person that I love him.

Mostly, though, I believe it is the act of writing this blog that has helped me make another shift. In a way it is giving me a means of giving him more of myself than I otherwise could, by exposing my most personal thoughts without direction. I have always been a very private person - my vanilla friends would say they had known me for years before they ever really knew any of what goes through my mind. So this is very significant for me. He owns my mind, and now that I write this he owns my secret thoughts, and can do with them what he chooses.

It feels intense - a kind of nervous excitement, ecstatic joy, and a peaceful, cosy confinement, like being bound tight in metres of soft rope with my arms behind me and my mouth taped shut..... or for vanilla minds, like a firm embrace ;)