Yours
The first time I was allowed to see Master after disappointing him was the most dedicated to his pleasure above my own that I've ever been. I know it should be that way all the time, and I try, I really do, but having an ideal in mind doesn't always make it a reality. It seems terrible that it has taken such a serious mistake on my part to bring me more fully into submission, and I'm certainly not glad I did what I did. But if I can maintain this level of devotion and use it to give even more to him in future, then maybe one day, I may be able to make up for my careless behaviour.... at least partly...
Again last night, I felt a complete lack of concern for my own pleasure. It was one of those times when I am lucky enough for him to choose to give me something he knows I will very much enjoy, and even let me ask for some of what I want. I am by no means forgiven yet, that I understand, but last night was like a sort of brief respite from my penance of the last week or so. And still, despite thoroughly enjoying myself and having permission to think of my own wants to some extent, they again took third place far, far behind his enjoyment and that of his invited guest.
Its a hot, ecstatic, and very familiar feeling to be used without having a choice in what is done with me. But its a far rarer experience of peace and contentment to simply serve, of my own choice, existing only for another's needs. I couldn't choose between the two sensations, and thats just as well, as I have no doubt Master prefers to use me in both these ways.
Sometimes when I am with him, and he is concentrating on something else, so unlikely to ask why I am staring at him (lol), I scan my eyes over him as if he is a stranger - looking with fresh eyes and taking in what I see in front of me with little regard to the experiences he has given me. I see a man a certain number of years my senior, with a strong stance, and perhaps a serious look, or a smile. And then, when I've created this image of an ordinary man, I think to myself, see that man? He OWNS you, nadi. You are the property of this man in front of you. It never fails to amaze me that it is true - and fills me with warm longing to surrender my will and please him, at any cost.
Again last night, I felt a complete lack of concern for my own pleasure. It was one of those times when I am lucky enough for him to choose to give me something he knows I will very much enjoy, and even let me ask for some of what I want. I am by no means forgiven yet, that I understand, but last night was like a sort of brief respite from my penance of the last week or so. And still, despite thoroughly enjoying myself and having permission to think of my own wants to some extent, they again took third place far, far behind his enjoyment and that of his invited guest.
Its a hot, ecstatic, and very familiar feeling to be used without having a choice in what is done with me. But its a far rarer experience of peace and contentment to simply serve, of my own choice, existing only for another's needs. I couldn't choose between the two sensations, and thats just as well, as I have no doubt Master prefers to use me in both these ways.
Sometimes when I am with him, and he is concentrating on something else, so unlikely to ask why I am staring at him (lol), I scan my eyes over him as if he is a stranger - looking with fresh eyes and taking in what I see in front of me with little regard to the experiences he has given me. I see a man a certain number of years my senior, with a strong stance, and perhaps a serious look, or a smile. And then, when I've created this image of an ordinary man, I think to myself, see that man? He OWNS you, nadi. You are the property of this man in front of you. It never fails to amaze me that it is true - and fills me with warm longing to surrender my will and please him, at any cost.
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