More wait...

When he finally spoke to me, it gave me some relief, but I hadn't anticipated the new torment: I'm now richoceting around from one emotion to another almost randomly. One minute I'm on a high knowing he has not rejected me totally, imagining the ecstacy it will be when I may finally see him again... the next minute I crash into despair at having disappointed him so badly, and feel sick at the shame I will feel when I may look at him again. And in between, the anxiety of waiting for the next contact - as much as it helps me cope to hear something from him, it is also a tease that makes me want to throw myself into his arms, feel his heartbeat, and smell his warm sweat. And I hate that I know, that when I am finally permitted to see him, I may not do that, or even touch him until he allows it.

But I should not complain. The small amount of contact he has given me is far, far better than the unbearable pain of nothing at all, and I feel overwhelmed with gratitude for the simplest message, even a stern one. At first, I struggled with doubt, completely uncertain what he would want from me, but now knowing that my waiting pleases him, makes me much stronger. And now that I am past the initial panic, I can better consider my mistakes, as I know he would want me to.

I still have to wait, and I don't know when he will speak to me again, how long it will be before I may greet him as usual, or when I will be permitted to see him...... and what he will do with me when that time comes.... but no matter how harshly he treats me, it will be worth it just to see him again.