On the bottom

Master has always said to me that my place is on the bottom. No matter who is with us in any group, I am always of lesser status than anyone else there. I am the one with no rights, with no limits, with no power of my own.

It sounds like something that should bring me down, doesn't it? Something that reduces my worth, that should make me doubt myself and feel insecure. But the truth is the exact opposite. As long as I am on the bottom I remain his "number one slavegirl". As long as I am below everyone else in a group, there is no need to compete, because I am already less than them. As long as I submit more to him than any other he plays with, I may be jealous of their attention, but I know my position is secure. It is my submission, not dominance or power, that makes me valuable to him. As long as I am allowed to give that as completely as I can, I know I am worth something to him.

My stomach clenched this morning when he asked me how I would go whipping another woman for him. It felt all wrong. I felt confused and frightened. Naturally I would do anything he told me to, even try to dominate if that pleased him. But what would that mean, if he wanted that from me? That I had lost my place. This goes beyond jealousy - if I am no longer on the bottom, I don't know where I belong. My whole position is threatened. What if I'm no longer his "number one"? It was a huge relief when I was honest with him and he said he would let me sub with her instead. But a little anxiety stayed with me the rest of the day.

I am naturally submissive. There is not a cell in my body that wants to dominate another person. Its not that I refuse to try, either. A long time ago, I met a sub guy, and with both of us starved for action, we tried to top each other. It was pathetic. Each of us, in our turn at the dominant role, was only trying to please the other. In the end, he started to warm to it a little, and said he might like to try doing it again. But not me, I felt so basically wrong and completely out of place that I could barely bring myself to touch him. Going back to subbing was a huge relief, like being released from a tight space and finally able to breathe again.

I just can't switch. I am not permitted limits, and may not refuse to do anything Master asks of me, so if he ever decided to train me to do it, I would have no choice. But I sincerely hope that day never, ever comes. I want to stay on the bottom, and feel grateful to him for putting me there.