When I look down, I miss all the good stuff... when I look up, I just trip over things

I am so afraid again. Since the last time I disappointed Master, I've felt like the ground could cave beneath me at any time. I've lost confidence in myself. I feel like I can't trust my own choices, like the outcome is no longer predictable. Everything used to be so clear, and now I'm wandering through the dark, just hoping to make the right turn. I doubt myself. I doubt my ability to please him. I doubt that I am good enough for him anymore.

On the night I fucked up, early on, he had told me he valued me. He told me I was his and would always be his if I never changed. He told me I was not replaceable. He told me that I had nothing to fear, that no one else could match me in his eyes. That meant so much to me that I cried and laughed and clung to him so hard.... and then, sometime over the next 24 hours, that beautiful sense of being worthy evaporated completely. He never took it back, but I feel like that gift he gave me, in words, is lost.

I told him last night, that I was so afraid. I told him that I feel afraid that my fear will make it even more likely that I will fail. I knew there was a good chance I could tell what his answer would be, and I was right: that my fear should make me do better, then.

Sigh.
My fear hurts. It is far better to be attentive to him out of desire to please him than fear of losing him. Desire is fueling, it gives energy. Fear is draining. Operating on fear, I don't know how long I can last before reaching panic or fatigue.

But looking at it from his perspective, he is right. It may help me stay vigilant. Painfully, and exhaustingly, but since when is it supposed to be about my comfort? And he was right not to comfort me last night. Doing that would imply that I am able to manipulate him into making me feel better, whether it was my intention or not. I don't get to decide how I should feel about it. Its up to him what is desirable.

A part of my mind tried to argue that he didn't get it last night, but I know the chances are near perfect that he does. Time and again, he has shown a much greater awareness of what I am thinking and feeling than I realise. And I should trust him. I can trust him. He will take care of me - not in a way that indulges my desires, but in a way that maintains his property to his satisfaction.

So I guess, however uncomfortable it might be, I've just got to hang in there and put in every effort. He deserves no less, and I don't really have another choice.