Resurrection

Okay. It's time to confess.

I thought it was over.

Almost three years ago I told Blknight that I thought Master and I had no future together. Our lifestyle committments were just too conflicting. And as recently as 24 hours ago, I thought that, plus my own failings, had finally gotten the better of us.

At one point along the way I had a fairytale in my head. I was doing so well, that I became far too confident. I took to my training well. I was pleasing my Master and making him proud. I was learning so fast, and making so few mistakes, that I thought I could be his perfect slave. It was only a matter of time, I imagined, until he would find me deserving. He would give me a collar, and I would know that I was Good Enough.

Over time, reality replaced the fantasy. I am not, nor will I ever be, perfect. I cannot take Master's pride for granted. At times, I disappoint him horribly. And I can work as hard as I like, but it doesn't mean I will earn anything. Often, just being adequate is hard enough. So of course, I have ended up doubting myself. Often, I have feared being replaced. Some days, I have convinced myself I am worthless.

So last weekend, when Master said he had given up, I thought he had given up on me. I know its not what he said - he was referring to scheduling... to problems with meeting people for play. But that doesn't stop my mind hearing it differently, and this time I heard the end. So 24 hours ago, when I knew in my gut, that him not answering my message meant he was fucking another slut, I felt sure I knew what would happen. All it would take was for him to find an adequate slut with fewer committments than me. And then she would take my place, become his number one, and I would be nothing.

But then he ordered me over to taste her residue on his cock. He had me wear her damp lace panties and inhale her scent from his sheets. He fucked me while he made me listen - desperate, struggling, and wet - to the details of his pleasure with her. He tied my hands and attached the TENS to my tits, and my cunt, and he gave me my Reminder Lesson. You are my slut, my hole, my slave. You are not free.

Amazing how my confidence can be restored - by having the woman I am jealous of almost literally shoved in my face... by having the Master I am afraid of losing, remind me how insignificant I am... because it means it is possible for me to keep my place. If I work hard enough.