Weighing Love
Master asked me the other night, if I thought that perhaps loving him might be unfavourable. I was surprised at the question, firstly because he so rarely mentions such thoughts to me. While I know very well that he thinks carefully about my role and training, it is always a surprise when he shares any inkling of his contemplations. I guess that in itself is a reason why I feel compelled to be sure I answer him fully and clearly when he does.
He had just finished using me – but not before telling me how much he had enjoyed another female sub the night before. I had been afraid, and when he confirmed my anxiety, I burst into tears. His question came later. I had truly never thought of it in this way before – that loving him might not be beneficial, not only because it can be painful, but specifically because of my insecurity about his enjoyment of other women.
I think part of the reason the idea is new to me is simple defense. I need to feel that loving him is worthwhile. Because it has caused me so much grief, I simply cannot question it. Reasons why it might not be perfect do not come anywhere near as easily to me as reasons why it is good and right.
Firstly, it gives him greater power, and thereby ensures my obedience. To disobey or disrespect him carries not only the risk of punishment and pain, but far greater than that: the fear of real loss. Loss of his approval, loss of his desire, and most of all, loss of his presence. All of that has meaning because I love him.
And the flipside of that is his approval and praise has real value to me. I am increasingly motivated to please him each time he tells me I have done well. His smile, an affectionate touch, or a rare kiss is an invaluable incentive because of my love. He could give me any number of cocks or orgasms, but the greater reward is always him showing pleasure in me. I doubt his approval would have such significance if I did not truly adore him.
Thirdly, loving him gives me great loyalty. I am naturally a loyal person, but for love, my faithfulness is fierce. And it needs to be, for a slut such as myself not to sleep around, or even touch myself without his knowledge. Temptation is enormous. I know full well that without love to keep me on track, I do give in.
And perhaps biggest of all, is that love compels me to self-sacrifice. The moments when I am overcome with the sheer rolling current of passion and adoration for him, I want most desperately to prove the depth of my emotion by giving him all I can. I know there is simply no way I could promise so much to him without being driven by love.
So loving him is a good thing, an important thing. And I feel like I want to stop there, not think more on the subject at all. But that would not be answering the question that Sir posed to me.
I love him. And when he likes someone else, it withers me. But I think the real reason for that is not my love, not directly. It is fear – that I cannot be loved.
……..
For two days this blog has been sitting here, incomplete. How do I finish this? How do I explain? I am so afraid…
Perhaps by saying again, that I do not expect my Master to love me. It is right that I offer him my heart without return.
… but I need to please him. I need to earn his approval, his pride. I need to feel that I am good enough, in some way. I need to make him smile. Because it makes me worth something.
And what if I don’t make him smile? And what if someone else does? I have no place, then. I am nobody. If I do not deserve his pleasure, I deserve nothing at all.
I know it’s not the slightest bit rational. I know Master has plenty of enjoyment to go around. Someone else pleasing him does not make me please him any less. But I fear I already please him less, that I’m just not good enough to please him more. So others are terrifying, not because I feel they lessen me, but because I already doubt what I deserve.
As I write this, it occurs to me that there is one real measure of what I deserve: what my Master chooses to give me. I should have faith in his appraisal. It is far more trustworthy than mine.
He had just finished using me – but not before telling me how much he had enjoyed another female sub the night before. I had been afraid, and when he confirmed my anxiety, I burst into tears. His question came later. I had truly never thought of it in this way before – that loving him might not be beneficial, not only because it can be painful, but specifically because of my insecurity about his enjoyment of other women.
I think part of the reason the idea is new to me is simple defense. I need to feel that loving him is worthwhile. Because it has caused me so much grief, I simply cannot question it. Reasons why it might not be perfect do not come anywhere near as easily to me as reasons why it is good and right.
Firstly, it gives him greater power, and thereby ensures my obedience. To disobey or disrespect him carries not only the risk of punishment and pain, but far greater than that: the fear of real loss. Loss of his approval, loss of his desire, and most of all, loss of his presence. All of that has meaning because I love him.
And the flipside of that is his approval and praise has real value to me. I am increasingly motivated to please him each time he tells me I have done well. His smile, an affectionate touch, or a rare kiss is an invaluable incentive because of my love. He could give me any number of cocks or orgasms, but the greater reward is always him showing pleasure in me. I doubt his approval would have such significance if I did not truly adore him.
Thirdly, loving him gives me great loyalty. I am naturally a loyal person, but for love, my faithfulness is fierce. And it needs to be, for a slut such as myself not to sleep around, or even touch myself without his knowledge. Temptation is enormous. I know full well that without love to keep me on track, I do give in.
And perhaps biggest of all, is that love compels me to self-sacrifice. The moments when I am overcome with the sheer rolling current of passion and adoration for him, I want most desperately to prove the depth of my emotion by giving him all I can. I know there is simply no way I could promise so much to him without being driven by love.
So loving him is a good thing, an important thing. And I feel like I want to stop there, not think more on the subject at all. But that would not be answering the question that Sir posed to me.
I love him. And when he likes someone else, it withers me. But I think the real reason for that is not my love, not directly. It is fear – that I cannot be loved.
……..
For two days this blog has been sitting here, incomplete. How do I finish this? How do I explain? I am so afraid…
Perhaps by saying again, that I do not expect my Master to love me. It is right that I offer him my heart without return.
… but I need to please him. I need to earn his approval, his pride. I need to feel that I am good enough, in some way. I need to make him smile. Because it makes me worth something.
And what if I don’t make him smile? And what if someone else does? I have no place, then. I am nobody. If I do not deserve his pleasure, I deserve nothing at all.
I know it’s not the slightest bit rational. I know Master has plenty of enjoyment to go around. Someone else pleasing him does not make me please him any less. But I fear I already please him less, that I’m just not good enough to please him more. So others are terrifying, not because I feel they lessen me, but because I already doubt what I deserve.
As I write this, it occurs to me that there is one real measure of what I deserve: what my Master chooses to give me. I should have faith in his appraisal. It is far more trustworthy than mine.
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